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© 2013 Heidi Haris.
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Gadis Saintis
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Monday 31 May 2021 +
Alhamdullilah, alhamdullilah, alhamdullilah. On 24th May 2021, after 3 semesters of struggling, spending the day and night in the lab with my team, sacrificing our weekends, and episodes of crying and giving up, I have finally passed my viva voce examination with minor corrections and have successfully defended my master's thesis online. To be honest, I could never make it this far without guidance from my supervisor and help from my friends. Thank you so much, may Allah swt repay all your kindness and may you guys forever be blessed on Earth and in Jannah. Aminnnn. For those who are wondering about my research field, you can read it in my previous post here :) 
I did my viva online, of course, due to Covid 19. The pandemic has certainly disrupted almost all aspects of life, including academic life. I never expected I would do it online but alhamdullilah everything went well, even ada masa yang some of us out of sync kejap hahaha. It was also awkward sometimes bila I have to talk to the black screen or saying "pardon me, but your voice wasn't clear and stuck in the middle" (the examiners punya camera and audio turn off due to internet connection) and wondering how my words are being received (malaih weh nak ulang balik jawapan) but eventually we adapted well to the situation. The funny thing is, I thought it was shorter than it would have been in person BUT it took the whole 3 hours, from 9 am to around 12 something to finish. In the end, I passed, even the examiner texted my supervisor saying how well I answered all of the questions. I have to give a huge shoutout to my supervisor, Dr. Latiff and Syuhada who went all out to teach and reassure me for two days straight before the real viva!
For those who are still struggling in finishing your postgrad study, please don't compare my achievements with yours or even with anyone else! Enjoy your journey, each people has their own timeline, remember that! I pray that whoever reads this, may Allah swt ease your study journey and end it with good results, aminnn. Don't give up and all the best! I don't mean to brag or anything in this post, I was just wanted to update about my life progress so that I can look at it in the future as well as to inspire more people to chase their dreams! To be honest, this journey wasn't easy at all. I have my rough parts juga. 3 semesters to finish a master by research do look great but it was kind of self-destructive. I am not going to lie, during my early journey, I was so eager and excited that I didn't even mind staying up the whole night with my team (we slept after subuh until 10-11 am only, insane!). But towards the end.....I was losing my energy, my momentum and my spirit. I pushed myself so hard during fieldworks and labworks and right after I finished my analysis, I was having a burnt-out and a mental breakdown. That was my first time experiencing that overwhelmed gloomy feeling and I was so sad...for no reason. I even try to reach out and understand my own feelings. It took me few weeks of laying on beds, forgetting entirely about my research and support from my family, friends and Iqram to be myself again. I still remember, one day, Dr. Latiff called me to come to his office sebab I haven't update him for days about my works. Bila jumpa dia, he asked me "Awak kenapa sebenarnya Heidi? What is wrong with you now? You seem...tired and hopeless?". Nak tahu my answer? I told him I don't even know why and cried. RIGHT. IN FRONT. OF. HIM. tapi taklah teruk, nangis sikit jewwww hihi. Pastu Dr. Latiff bagi his wisdom words, as usual: "Heidi, don't push yourself too much, take a rest but don't give up. You have come this far, you've done well." Malam tu, terus call ibu, cerita kat dia what I feel lately ni. I told her everything, dari rasa nak give up sampai how stress I am sebenarnya. Memang menangis teruk sebab I don't realize how long I've kept it by myself. Ibu asyik kata "Ibu bangga dengan kakak, ibu tahu anak ibu boleh buat, anak ibu hebat." Gugur lagi air mata weh. "Ibu tahu anak ibu boleh buat..." Few days after tu, I feel like myself again. Nak tahu sebab apa? Sebab ayat ibu tu. I have the most powerful weapon in this world: doa seorang ibu. Selalunya, the moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens kan? I keep reminding myself, I have come this far, I was halfway there, ramai dah tolong aku sampai tahap macam ni, how can I disappoint them? I must keep going! And for that, I am very thankful and grateful for them. I would give the world if they want (aku cuba hihi) and thank you for staying with me during those hard moments, tak ramai yang tahu pasal tu.
  Ini pulak from my girls yang always be there for me (Syu, Meng dan Asmira). Those yang sentiasa membantu tanpa berkira, yang sentiasa memberi tanpa meminta *menangis* So, what's next? What's my plan? PhD? Kerja? Kahwin? Jeng jeng jeng. I just wanted to take a rest kejap sekarang ni. Lagipun tengah lockdown kan, so I'm going to spend my time with my family and cats to the fullest! Don't forget to take good care of yourself k, double masking and take the vaccine! Thank you for reading! Till we meet again, xoxo
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2 Comments:
Tahniahhhhhh!!! You did it
thank youuuu!
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