Recently, I've read the sequel books for To All The Boys I've Loved Before (P. S. I Still Love You and Always and Forever, Lara Jean) where one of the books is basically a story of Lara Jean's first love, John Ambrose McClaren. To be honest, the book does remind me of my first love (uhuk) which probably most of my close friends know who because who doesn't when that was the only boy I keep talking about (don't worry I've moved on okay). So, Lara did mention that first will always be the first and that is totally right because that will not only be your first love but also your first time to be filled with emotions that you feel for the very first times:

It is the first time you will cry so hard over another person, you can't even sleep

It is the first time you blame yourself for something that was not even your fault

It is the first time you give more than you have to make another person happy

It is the first time you learn how to tolerate and lower down your ego for someone

and the list goes on

Personally, for me, first love is the only time when you will believe in perfect love. I still remember how special, magical and wonderful I felt because, in that brief of time, I truly believe that I am special and unique (ceh). Even though we were not in a relationship (we just knew that we like each other and we were best friends), it's the first time I realized that there's a person who was capable to like me at that time. I mean, come on. Have you seen how do I look when I was in secondary school? Pfffffft, I look exactly like Tina from Bob's Burger (but with a great personality, uhuk). Aku rasa sebab itulah aku ingat itu cinta sejati sebab dia suka aku masa aku buruk, aha! Shame on me. Why I like him? Because he's smart, funny and we both are a gamer. I learned how to play Dota because of him and I sacrificed my sleeping time to watch a Dota tournament. We also love to have intellectual conversations and jokes. Smart guy is sexy okay. I still remember back in secondary school, we both always compete for the first place dalam batch. Maybe that is also the reason why I am so picky. I want a smarter guy than him (tak matangnya kah!).

Ok so, it's been a while since we've spoken and it's been even longer since we've seen each other. I used to hate him because I thought he's the reason why I am not capable to love and to be loved by someone else again. I don't think I am good enough to be loved by someone. Maybe I was not as pretty as the other girls or perhaps I was just too loud, bossy and obnoxious? Basically, I thought there is something wrong with me.

From heartbreak to gratitude

Then, I realized that maybe this is one of a way for Allah to protect me from any kind of sins. I also didn't need a man to tell me I was worth something. I already knew I was. I am thankful that he left me as I am finally able to find myself. I learned to love myself and be better. I am able to focus on what I want and work on my goals till I become the person I am today. So, thank you you-know-who-you-are. As for the new partner, I am not that worry to find my significant other for the meantime. I believe that Allah has created a man for every woman and I trust that we will meet when the time is right. I may not give the timeline of when he is going to show up or how it is going to happen but I truly believe that if you are the greatest version of yourself, you will attract people who are meant to be in your life.

For the moment, I want to focus my energy and fire on my career, health, family, friends, values, abilities and the things I am passionate about. I am going to prioritize on what's important and build an environment where I am powerful so that I will attract the right person who is going to complement my character and my life. Aminnnnnn.

So, do you still remember who is your first love?

p/s: I'll be going to Hutan Simpan Paya Laut Matang this week. Wish me luck!